"Liberalism Solved"

by Doug Emory

We have often heard the Democrats lament disparity in America and cry out for Barack Obama style change. There is constant whining about the situational reality of people who work hard and make good decisions and those who refuse to take advantage of the freedom they have, the enormous opportunities they have, and acknowledge the concept of personal responsibility. In fact it was John Edwards who on numerous occasions coined the phrase "We have two Americas." We often hear them discuss our country with disdain for traditional American values, with contempt for our men and women who serve in the military, and disgust for the evils of capitalism. Personally I am appalled at the number of people in our great country that are completely ignorant of the fundamentals of freedom, economics, and national security. Tragically this is something perpetuated by the media and exploited by the Jesse Jacksons, Al Sharptons, Nancy Pelosis, and Harry Reids of the world. Can't we all get along? (A tribute to Rodney King) The answer is no! It's obvious that the Democrats won't be happy until they destroy the great and wonderful United States of America. With this being said, I am pleased announce that I have a solution to liberalism! It is in fact a brilliant solution!

Let it be noted that no great achievement is ever accomplished without sacrifice and my solution is no exception. My solution will require sacrifice from every conservative in America but the results will be well worth the effort. In the historical battles between conservatives and liberals, there never seems to be a win-win scenario, at least in the minds of the participants. There is always an apparent loss on one side or the other. My solution is radically different from the combative practices of the past and it allows both sides to win! I say we give the liberals exactly what they want! I propose that we offer the liberals the opportunity to have it their own way! A radical concept, but hear me out. I say we should offer up the geography of about eight states to the liberals and let them establish their own country, a utopia, a haven, a world as they have always envisioned. We could use several west coast states as there are already large concentrations of them there. The new country will be called S.U.C.K, the Socialist Union of Clueless Kooks. The new country will be devoid of capitalism, greed, guns, racism, homophobia, hate, and to their delight; conservatives! As the residents of S.U.C.K enjoy their organically grown soy snacks in their eco green utility free government provided homes, they can rejoice over the centralized healthcare system, government supplied housing, a twenty five dollar an hour minimum wage, and special driving lanes for their scooters. The borders of S.U.C.K will be open with the exception of the areas bordering the states now called the Conservative States of America (CSA). English would then become the second language there. Sadly, excluding a few coffee house chains, few businesses would remain in the newly formed country of S.U.C.K. as taxation and regulation would prohibit profitability there. We could establish some trade agreements with the newly formed liberal country. For example we could import things like soy candles, organic vegetables, and tie dyed tee shirts, and they could import things like gasoline, energy, building materials, and food.

Of course there may be some logistics problems associated with getting the few conservatives out of California and moving nearly the entire state of New York to the West Coast but these are all things that could be worked out. The Conservative States of America would emerge as the revival of the greatness that built our great nation. A border fence would have to be built and no one from the liberal side would be allowed back.

The government of S.U.C.K would be lead by a virtual parade of liberal icons. Regrettably Barack Obama would not be there as he would have been elected the first president of the European Union after his impressive United States bashing speech in Germany. Comrade Hillary would proudly lead the parade. The Ministry of Propaganda would include the entire news staff at NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN. The Ministry of Progressive Thinking would most likely include such brilliant thinkers as Al Franken, Michael Moore, Howard Dean, Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. The Department of Defense would be replaced by the Department of Peace and Al Gore would surely be the pick for the Department for the Prevention of Global Warming. The unfortunate few, who are able to obtain a job, will of course be happy to pay the eighty percent income tax. Medical professionals would have to be imported from other countries as the socialized medicine in S.U.C.K would force American doctors to move to the Conservative States of America where they could actually make a living. Rich people would be non-existent in S.U.C.K so there would be no one taking advantage of the poor!

But enough about the Socialist Union of Clueless Kooks! What would happen to the remaining states? What would happen in the Conservative States of America? Immediately following its conception, President Limbaugh and Vice President Hannity would implement unprecedented tax cuts and downsize excessive, wasteful government resulting in an economic boom unseen in human history. The national debt would be retired in five years. American manufacturers could once again compete in the global marketplace. Disposable income would rise as the cost of living falls. New Miami, formerly known as Cuba, becomes the hottest tourist spot in the country! Health care choices become abundant and costs would decrease dramatically as ridiculous litigation against doctors and health care facilities is eliminated. Children would once again learn reading, math, writing, English, science, and non-revisionist history instead of global warming 101 and capitalism is evil 201. Illegal immigration would end saving the nation billions of dollars. No one from any nation deemed hostile to CSA would be allowed to immigrate! Those with physical and mental handicaps are given the best of care as resources previously diverted to taxes and wasteful spending are put towards the truly needy. All caribou in Alaska would be paid reparations of one hundred pounds of tasty granola for their inconvenience and drilling would immediately begin in ANWR. Oil prices would plummet. Gas is again below two dollars a gallon, and we all could turn toward the Middle East and wave with a friendly hand gesture. Free from the burden of punitive taxes and excessive regulation, energy producers would rapidly develop new, alternative, clean energy sources to meet the growing demand in a strong marketplace. Most prisons would be shut down as most of the prison population is deported to their home countries or sent to S.U.C.K.

And now I look out to the future. Like Shatner and Spader at the end of an episode of Boston Legal I sit on the patio of the White House. President Limbaugh and Vice President Hannity are by my side, complimenting my strategy to solve the American plague known as liberalism. We are smoking fine cigars from New Miami and drinking an excellent single malt scotch. The popular Louis Armstrong song, What a Wonderful World plays softly in the background. I smile broadly as I marvel at the two percent income tax on my six figure check and think about how it all started on a laptop during a delayed flight on a business trip back when the country was on the verge of losing its place as the best and most magnificent country in the world.